My New Hobby

I'm teaching myself shorthand! It's really fun. I'm using the second edition of Gregg's Shorthand Manual Simplified which is the original 1955 version, including helpful photographs of secretaries and their bosses with captions such as: "The businessman insists that his letters be correctly punctuated and that they contain no spelling errors. This secretary has taken her employer's dictation and checked the spelling of any words about which she was in doubt when she transcribed. Her employer is obviously pleased with the letter!"

From Wikipedia:

Gregg shorthand is a form of stenography that was invented by John Robert Gregg in 1888. Like cursive longhand, it is completely based on elliptical figures and lines that bisect them.^[1] Gregg shorthand is the most popular form of pen stenography in the United States and its Spanish adaptation is fairly popular in Latin America. With the invention of dictation machines, shorthand machines, and the practice of executives writing their own letters on their personal computers, however, the use of shorthand gradually declined in the business and reporting world. Gregg shorthand is still in use today.

Several versions of this system were published. Pre-Anniversary, which includes the first five editions, the first one published in two small paper-covered pamphlets in 1888, the second published in 1893,^[2] the third in book form in 1897, the fourth in 1905,^[3] and the fifth in 1916.^[4] Anniversary, a revised and simplified form published in 1929, called Anniversary because it was to be published on the fortieth anniversary of the system (1928), but there was some delay in publication.^[5] In 1949, Simplified was created, in which many of the principles and memorized forms were removed or simplified due to findings of studies by the publishers and suggestions of many shorthand teachers.^[6] Diamond Jubilee was published in 1963, which simplified the Simplified version.^[7] Series 90 was published in 1978, which simplified it further.^[8] The last version was Centennial, published in 1988, with several similarities to the Diamond Jubilee system earlier.^[9] Besides these main editions, which were designed for the dictation speeds expected of any shorthand system of the time, a number of simpler, personal-use editions were published from 1924 to 1968. These included "Greghand" in 1935, and "Notehand" in 1960 and 1968.^[10]

The Fat Free Cream Cheese of Doom

It's my second-to-last-day of work--or I should say "work" because, seriously.

The only slightly work-related thing I've done all day is re-label the "Petty Cash" folder so that it now reads "Pretty Cash."

Anyway, it seemed like a good time to finally document the insane hoarding of my former boss by scanning this little item that she's kept in the fridge since 2007. Actually, since before 2007--that's just when it expired. I put it back in the fridge when I was done scanning it.

After that time when I threw away a plastic bottle of water she'd had in there for months (not a new bottle, mind you--a refilled one) because it was getting in the way and because I've never seen her drink water, I found out the hard way to never throw away any of her stuff, not ever, not even when it's expired (as she explained to me) because "it might still be good."

When I protested that I'd never seen her drink water, she said, "I don't. But I always keep cold water on hand, just in case. I do it at home too." When I asked, "Just in case of what?" she said, "In case someone needs cold water."

At which point I said (silently), "Okay, Crazy" and let the baby have her way.

In case you are thinking: Maybe it was your cream cheese and you just forgot about it!, the answer to that is, no it's not because I would never eat "fat free cream cheese" because that's just stupid. Like buying "fat free half & half" (another product my former boss enjoys).

Secretaries Meet

A friend of mine drew this picture when she was sitting in the corner "taking minutes" at a work meeting. Ha ha! I told her she should Xerox it and hand it out to everyone, telling them, "Here are my notes from the meeting."

Happy Sunday

I like this sweet little song, and Sunday feels like the appropriate day to post it. I admire the direct, sincere way that Johnny Cash sings this song. But, as Guy pointed out...turns out Johnny was wrong about the Hall of Fame part!

Well, you talk about important people that you say you know.
Presidents and superstars of big television shows.
Well, I know someone personally who's bigger than 'em all,
And next to him your superstars look mighty small.
And I have a talk with him each day, and he's interested in every word I say.
No secretary ever tells me he's been called away. I talk to Jesus every day.

Well now I don't think that I'll ever be in any Hall of Fame,
And the social register of wealthy folks might drop my name.
But my name is written in the Book of Life, I'm proud to say,
And that's all that really matters anyway.
And I talk to Jesus every day, and he's interested in every word I say.
No secretary ever tells me he's been called away. I talk to Jesus every day.
I talk to Jesus every day.

Office Dramas

Apologies to my loyal readers. I haven't been able to post much this week due to some pretty major office dramas. Rather than waste everyone's time by boring you with all the gruesome details, I thought I'd instead post this scene from True Romance for your viewing pleasure. It is the perfect metaphor for what this week was like for me (with me in Patricia Arquette's role).

Yep, it was a hard week, just about as intense and exhausting as it looks here. Still, when you get to that moment when you are slamming that screwdriver straight through James Gandolfini's foot, and then setting him on fire with a lighter and a can of hairspray, somehow it all feels totally worth it in the end.

Secretaries We Admire

Peggy Fair is a fictional secretary par excellence. In addition to being a snappy dresser (a requirement for any secretary, real or imagined), Peggy is organized, efficient, resourceful, and 100% reliable. She needs very little instruction. Her boss, private detective Joe Mannix, has only to casually utter a few key words in her general direction; the next thing you know, Peggy is coolly presenting him with a neatly typed list of, say, every cab driver in the greater Los Angeles area whose name begins with 'M.' She's that good.

Peggy's full resume can be found at TV Acres:

"Born and raised in Los Angeles, Peggy is a widow, very efficient, and a former Department of Motor Vehicles employee. She now works as the full-time employee of Joe Mannix, an Armenian private eye who lives and works at 17 Paseo Verde Drive in West Los Angeles.

"Peggy married police officer Marcus Fair in January of 1961. They had a little boy named Toby later that year. Unfortunately, Marcus died in the line of duty on March 1968. He was posthumously awarded the Medal of Honor. Peggy’s only relatives include her mother and some family that lives in Chicago.

"Peggy uses her contacts with the DMV when conducting background checks for Joe‘s clients and sometimes goes undercover as a maid, or hooker to help solve a case. She once even helped Joe battle foreign agents who set out to assassinate African Premier Obuko who was being treated incognito in a nearby hospital.

"Most of the time Peggy likes her job, but from time to time, Peggy quits the employ of “Mr. Mannix” when angered by Joe. But after an appropriate cooling off period she returns to work. When not mad at Joe, Peggy will offer him advice or sometimes even loan him money when he's short of cash. A loyal friend, Peggy was also on hand to nurse Joe through a stretch of temporary blindness when he was shot by a killer's bullet.

"In turn, Joe helped Peggy clear the name of her late husband Marcus Fair, when his name appeared on a list of policemen who were being paid off by a burglary ring. Joe also came to the rescue when Peggy and her son, Toby were held hostage by people who desperately needed a roll of incriminating film and when Peggy was held in the clutches of syndicate thugs who have mistaken her for a potential informer.
"When not helping out Joe Mannix, Peggy is helping her own friends, like the time her friends Brad Turner and Jimmy Whitewing were wrongly accused of murder and Peggy let them hide in her apartment; or the time Peggy's friend Glenn Gerard, a one-time juvenile delinquent (now reformed) was sought for the commission of a crime.

"Occasionally, Peggy finds time for a love life. Her romantic interests included dating a guy named Gabe Johnson who turned out to be a prison road-gang escapee falsely convicted by a sheriff of a small southern community; and boyfriend Floyd Brown whom Mannix accused of stealing of 45 cartons of morphine.

"When not being kidnapped or placed in other perilous situations, Peggy enjoys listening to music (jazz, blues, pop), eating soul food and watching old Humphrey Bogart movies. She also finds time to be a secretary for the local Boy Scout troop meetings. At work, Peggy likes to dress smart. She especially likes short skirts that show off her lovely legs. But, when her boss Joe Mannix fails to notice her new outfits, well, let's just say, it doesn't make Peggy's day."

Fax from the North Pole

We get these junk faxes at work every now and then; they're from some company trying to sell cruises. They take great pains to try to make them look like "official" missives from the "Corporate Travel Department."

This one helpfully informs the reader that "Our Corporate Travel Department has asked if you would distribute this memo freely to all employees." I guess they are hoping that some feeble-minded secretary will receive it and, fearing the nebulous authority of the fictional Corporate Travel Department, copy and distribute their flyer on our own dime.

What makes this one a little special, though, is that they have tailored it for the Christmas season. The "snowy" lettering informs the recipient that this cruise "CAN BE USED AS A CHRISTMAS GIFT!"

I like the awkward phrasing of that sentence. If you think about it, pretty much anything can be "used" as a Christmas gift, but I appreciate the way they attempted to make that idea seem very novel and exciting.

Sharks

This is my desk. I have a shark/Hawaii theme.

Crazy Shit My Boss Has Said Over the Years

My boss is a certified froot loop. Here is a brief list of just a few of the insane assertions she has made over the years:

1. "I have always wondered how the entire population of the world came from just two people, Adam and Eve." (She is not particularly religious, which makes this even weirder.)

2. People from India have good manners because of the British occupation. The British taught them how to be proper and drink tea. (Me: "I think Brazilians are the most polite.") The same is true for the Brazilians.

3. "Other people float in water, but I sink." (Me: "But really, everyone floats.") "No, I sink."

4. Black people have a sense of entitlement.

5. You've Got Mail was a really great movie.

Painting from: http://www.artns.us/Illustration-art-home.html

The Beatings Will Continue Until Morale Improves

I'm lucky enough to work in a really healthy office environment, with a boss who is communicative, mature, logical, and just an all-around great gal. I would not like to strangle her until her eyes bleed, so this illustration is in no way relevant to my personal experience.

However, if you (unlike me) happen to have an ogre-like disgusting excuse for a human being for a boss, someone with the emotional maturity of a 3-year-old who possesses absolutely no social skills, and who sows negativity and hate wherever she goes...then you might appreciate the following list.

Apropos of nothing, my thoughts turned to sabotage yesterday, and I recalled this little list that I thought would be fun to post here. It's from issue 11 of Temp Slave, a zine I bought back in the 90s, published by Garrret County Press in Madison, WI.

This fun little article is by a contributor named "John C." and it's entitled 23 Ways. Some of the suggestions may no longer be relevant, since computers have changed a lot since the 90s. The suggestions are intended for revenge-minded temps, on their way out the door:

23 Ways
Computer vandalism just for the fun of it. The next time you run into a hell office temp job, here are 23 ways to add a little chaos to your surroundings.

1. Add common misspellings to spell check. This way the bad spellings won't be corrected in the future.

2. If using a word processor with autocorrect; create embarrassing autocorrect words--six to sex, luck to fuck, etc. Every time the next poor sap types the incorrect word, it will change on them.

3. Make the default printer a printer in another building--set the default page, set up to landscape, margins of about 4 inches.

4. Set up the desktop display so all the colors are black. This one can be a real hassle to troubleshoot.

5. Change the existing templates so they have the wrong address info on them.

6. in the web browser, change the URL on bookmarks.

7. Download porno to directories that hold clip art, delete all other clip art.

8. If 2 computers are next to each other, switch the cables so the keyboard controls what happens on the wrong computer.

9. Switch the mouse to left-handed mode, but leave it on the right side of the computer.

10. Change the hard drive's name to something stupid.

11. Add annoying sounds to every desktop function that you can.

12. Change pointers for desktop icons, so the Microsoft Excel icon opens solitaire, etc.

13. You stuck in a clip art folder. A malicious version of this would be to make the desktop icon point to a batch program that reformats the computer's hard drive.

14. Set default fonts to Wingdings everywhere you can.

15. Most web browsers have a setting for how much hard drive space the cache is allowed to take up, change this setting to 99%. The hard drive will fill up completely with useless info.

16. Send obnoxious spam out using the company email account--change the reply address to someone you don't like.

17. Company vehicles--always turn the radio on full blast, the heater on full blast, the windshield wipers on, and one of the blinkers on after you turn off the vehicle.

18. If the computer has a scheduler, schedule obnoxious pop up messages to appear months in the future.

19. Unplug random cables in the office.

20. On the phone, reprogram autodial numbers to inappropriate places.

21. Change the data type for fields in spreadsheet templates, change the number formats for fields with large numbers to take out commas, double the font size.

22. Stick chewing gum under as many desks as possible, right where people's knees are most likely to come in contact with it later.

23. Take apart the phones, printers, whatever will come apart, and stick some raw shrimp inside on your last day.

Drawing by Guy. I asked him to draw an illustration of a loving employee grasping her boss in a warm hug, in a moment of caring support and appreciation. I don't know why it came out like this; as so often happens in offices, there must have been some kind of "miscommunication."

Discouraging the Office Wolf

Here's another situation/problem from the book Secretaries On the Spot by the National Secretaries Association (International), 1961.

Read the problem below and consider how YOU would handle this sticky situation.

Then read on for the real-life solution below...

WTF?

Calling all secretaries!

They'll know you mean business with this handy "WTF?" stamp. Watch inter-office communication improve practically overnight!

Mad Beebo Enjoys Her Morning Coffee

The Amazing Adventures of The Bamboozler

Did You Know....?

....that there are more than 22,000 secretaries in the United States? I am proud to count myself among them. A secretary is so much more than office assistant. She's a friend, an ally, a trend setter, a confidante, someone you can always count on when the chips are down. She's always happy to lend you whatever you need, whether it's a sympathetic ear or an extra typewriter ribbon!

This is the cover of every secretary's best friend, the handy little textbook Secretaries On the Spot: A Collection of Actual Secretarial Situations and How They Were Solved, published in 1961 by The National Secretaries Association (International). Every girl should keep a copy in her desk drawer; it will help her out of all kinds of sticky office situations!

Secretaries On the Spot

This is a chapter from a helpful textbook published in 1961 called Secretaries On the Spot. As explained in the book's Forward, it contains:

"...a collection of actual problems faced by secretaries in offices all over the United States, Canada, Puerto Rico, Hawaii. The secretaries are members of The National Secretaries Association (International) whose membership is now well over 22,000."

Heady stuff! The real-life solutions are listed in the back of the book, so you can puzzle over each problem for yourself and then flip to the back when you are well and truly stumped. It's just as relevant today as it was in 1961. Anyone who works in a modern-day American office will instantly recognize the problem presented below:

What would YOU do? ........................See Comments for the real-life solution.