Dwight Schrute: Quote of the Day

"I just want to be friends. Plus a little extra. Also, I love you."

Hulk's Bumper Stickers

KILL YOUR TELEVISION--NO, I MEAN LITERALLY

MY OTHER CAR IS A GIANT GREEN FOOT

I SMASH FOR BICYCLISTS

Bumper sticker ideas by Guy Foulard

Islands In the Stream

You know how sometimes you don't particularly like a song--or you even dislike it--but then you hear it in a movie or TV show that you like and it totally changes how you feel about it? That happened to me with Islands In the Stream....after seeing it on Gavin and Stacey, I now really love it! Weird that an English show set in Wales is what helped me appreciate Dolly Parton and Kenny Rogers. Well, whatever works!

In this scene, two of the Welsh characters perform this song. I can't remember if the actors are actually Welsh or English.

"I For One Welcome Our New Computer Overlords"

Ken's surprise Simpson's reference during Final Jeopardy last night threw me into a fit of giggles.

CAN A COMPUTER DO THAT? Well, maybe, but Ken definitely got the biggest laugh of the night.

Here's Ken's take on the whole Man v. Machine thing (from Slate, February 16, 2011):

My Puny Human Brain

by Ken Jennings

When I was selected as one of the two human players to be pitted against IBM's "Watson" supercomputer in a special man-vs.-machine Jeopardy! exhibition match, I felt honored, even heroic. I envisioned myself as the Great Carbon-Based Hope against a new generation of thinking machines—which, if Hollywood is to be believed, will inevitably run amok, build unstoppable robot shells, and destroy us all. But at IBM's Thomas J. Watson Research Lab, an Eero Saarinen-designed fortress in the snowy wilds of New York's Westchester County, where the shows taped last month, I wasn't the hero at all. I was the villain.

This was to be an away game for humanity, I realized as I walked onto the slightly-smaller-than-regulation Jeopardy! set that had been mocked up in the building's main auditorium. In the middle of the floor was a huge image of Watson's on-camera avatar, a glowing blue ball crisscrossed by "threads" of thought—42 threads, to be precise, an in-joke for Douglas Adams fans. The stands were full of hopeful IBM programmers and executives, whispering excitedly and pumping their fists every time their digital darling nailed a question. A Watson loss would be invigorating for Luddites and computer-phobes everywhere, but bad news for IBM shareholders.

The IBM team had every reason to be hopeful. Watson seems to represent a giant leap forward in the field of natural-language processing—the ability to understand and respond to everyday English, the way Ask Jeeves did (with uneven results) in the dot-com boom. Jeopardy! clues cover an open domain of human knowledge—every subject imaginable—and are full of booby traps for computers: puns, slang, wordplay, oblique allusions. But in just a few years, Watson has learned—yes, it learns—to deal with some of the myriad complexities of English. When it sees the word "Blondie," it's very good at figuring out whether Jeopardy! means the cookie, the comic strip, or the new-wave band.

I expected Watson's bag of cognitive tricks to be fairly shallow, but I felt an uneasy sense of familiarity as its programmers briefed us before the big match: The computer's techniques for unraveling Jeopardy! clues sounded just like mine. That machine zeroes in on key words in a clue, then combs its memory (in Watson's case, a 15-terabyte data bank of human knowledge) for clusters of associations with those words. It rigorously checks the top hits against all the contextual information it can muster: the category name; the kind of answer being sought; the time, place, and gender hinted at in the clue; and so on. And when it feels "sure" enough, it decides to buzz. This is all an instant, intuitive process for a human Jeopardy! player, but I felt convinced that under the hood my brain was doing more or less the same thing.

Indeed, playing against Watson turned out to be a lot like any other Jeopardy! game, though out of the corner of my eye I could see that the middle player had a plasma screen for a face. Watson has lots in common with a top-ranked human Jeopardy! player: It's very smart, very fast, speaks in an uneven monotone, and has never known the touch of a woman. But unlike us, Watson cannot be intimidated. It never gets cocky or discouraged. It plays its game coldly, implacably, always offering a perfectly timed buzz when it's confident about an answer. Jeopardy! devotees know that buzzer skill is crucial—games between humans are more often won by the fastest thumb than the fastest brain. This advantage is only magnified when one of the "thumbs" is an electromagnetic solenoid trigged by a microsecond-precise jolt of current. I knew it would take some lucky breaks to keep up with the computer, since it couldn't be beaten on speed.

During my 2004 Jeopardy! streak, I was accustomed to mowing down players already demoralized at having to play a long-standing winner like me. But against Watson I felt like the underdog, and as a result I started out too aggressively, blowing high-dollar-value questions on the decade in which the first crossword puzzle appeared (the 1910s) and the handicap of Olympic gymnast George Eyser (he was missing his left leg). At the end of the first game, Watson had what seemed like an insurmountable lead of more than $30,000. I tried to keep my chin up, but in the back of my mind, I was already thinking about a possible consolation prize: a second-place finish ahead of the show's other human contestant and my quiz-show archrival, undefeated Jeopardy! phenom Brad Rutter.

In the final round, I made up ground against Watson by finding the first "Daily Double" clue, and all three of us began furiously hunting for the second one, which we knew was my only hope for catching Watson. (Daily Doubles aren't distributed randomly across the board; as Watson well knows, they're more likely to be in some places than others.) By process of elimination, I became convinced it was hiding in the "Legal E's" category, and, given a 50-50 chance between two clues, chose the $1200 one. No dice. Watson took control of the board and chose "Legal E's" for $1600. There was the Daily Double. Game over for humanity.

IBM has bragged to the media that Watson's question-answering skills are good for more than annoying Alex Trebek. The company sees a future in which fields like medical diagnosis, business analytics, and tech support are automated by question-answering software like Watson. Just as factory jobs were eliminated in the 20^th century by new assembly-line robots, Brad and I were the first knowledge-industry workers put out of work by the new generation of "thinking" machines. "Quiz show contestant" may be the first job made redundant by Watson, but I'm sure it won't be the last.

But there's no shame in losing to silicon, I thought to myself as I greeted the (suddenly friendlier) team of IBM engineers after the match. After all, I don't have 2,880 processor cores and 15 terabytes of reference works at my disposal—nor can I buzz in with perfect timing whenever I know an answer. My puny human brain, just a few bucks worth of water, salts, and proteins, hung in there just fine against a jillion-dollar supercomputer.

"Watching you on Jeopardy! is what inspired the whole project," one IBM engineer told me, consolingly. "And we looked at your games over and over, your style of play. There's a lot of you in Watson." I understood then why the engineers wanted to beat me so badly: To them, I wasn't the good guy, playing for the human race. That was Watson's role, as a symbol and product of human innovation and ingenuity. So my defeat at the hands of a machine has a happy ending, after all. At least until the whole system becomes sentient and figures out the nuclear launch codes. But I figure that's years away.

7 Different Languages

This skit made me laugh so hard!:



From The Catherine Tate Show.

Mactini

Guy and I disagree about this Peter Serafinowicz skit. I think the character is supposed to be somewhat of an imitation of Bill Gates (even though it's a Mac product). Guy thinks he's just a generic computer geek.

The IT Crowd

My new favorite TV show is a sitcom called The IT Crowd. It is currently a popular show in England--still airing--but you can buy the recently aired seasons here in the US in a DVD boxed set.

It's about two nerdy IT guys who work in the crummy basement of an otherwise posh office building that houses a company run by a crazy CEO. Because he's kind of crazy and random, he assigns newly-hired Jen to manage the IT guys, even though she knows nothing about computers.

The description on the back of the boxed set calls Jen a "go-getter" but I think that's inaccurate. While she desperately craves the outward appearance of success, she has little actual drive. She's more the type of person who sits around and complains and hopes that success will magically happen to her. In other words, she's very relateable. She doesn't manage the guys so much as she pretends to manage them when someone important walks in the door. For their part, they tolerate her with a mixture of affection and exasperation. They don't respect her very much, but they do like her.

It's a show about people who aren't really making it and who don't really have what it takes. Maurice Moss is the most lovable nerd to appear on television since Ed Grimley. Roy is less socially maladjusted than Moss, but being slightly cooler tends to mean that he just finds that many more ways to humiliate himself.

I wanted to post a scene from the show here, but of course the embedding was disabled on YouTube. Damn those computer nerds!

Hyperactive Delivery Guy

A fun part of my day today was when one of my co-workers remembered this skit from MAD TV. I used to watch MAD TV when it was on, but apparently not consistently enough, because I didn't remember this character. We gathered around her computer and watched the entire skit which is pretty long.

What I like about this skit--in addition to the funny character--is the nostalgia factor. Remember those innocent days of yesteryear, when recording a "clever" answering machine message was considered something of an art?

Gimmicks

I've been enjoying The Rockford Files a lot lately, and it got me to thinking about all the different 70s detective shows that I like, with all their various gimmicks. Here is my non-comprehensive list.

Barnaby Jones. He solves crime...and he's old!

Ironside. He solves crime...from a wheelchair!

Cannon. He solves crime...and he's fat!

Kojak. He's bald...and enjoys lollipops!

Mannix. He's a modern man...who hates computers. He prefers to rely instead on good old-fashioned footwork and sheer manliness.

Columbo. He looks like a bum, but he's really a lieutenant! Also, he drives a shitty car.

The Rockford Files. He has an answering machine.

Policewoman. Lady cop!

The Rookies. New cops.

The Mod Squad. Hippie cops.

Dragnet. Square cops. Make that extremely square cops.

Hawaii 5-0. Location, location, location.

The Streets of San Francisco. See Hawaii 5-0.

........................Am I forgetting anyone?

1001 Supervillain Quips

I forgot how exhausting it is to start a new job! I have had an intense couple of days. I think I'll get used to it, but the learning curve is kind of taking it out of me right now.

Anyway, in the interest of doing an easy and quick post, here is a cute Mitchell & Webb skit we watched recently. I like the conceit that James Bond and his nemesis both have behind-the-scenes copywriters coming up with their witty one-liners.

Muttley

Guy just reminded me of Muttley, the schadenfreude-loving dog from the 70s cartoons. He was so cute, I always liked him. I wanted him to be my dog! He has quite a comprehensive write-up here in Wikipedia:

"Muttley is a Hanna-Barbera animated fictional character created by Iwao Takamoto and originally voiced by Don Messick (who also voiced Scooby-Doo). In the 2000 Wacky Races videogame he was voiced by Billy West. In the Japanese version, Takuzo Kamiyama acted.

"Muttley, a mixed breed dog (identified by the race announcer/narrator in the segment "Dash to Delaware" as a bloodhound, pointer and hunting dog after the Mean Machine had somehow gotten lost), first appeared in Wacky Races in 1968, as the sidekick of a nasty but incompetent and horribly accident-prone villain Dick Dastardly. While Dick was created as the equivalent of Professor Fate from the 1960s movie The Great Race, Muttley mirrored the film's character of Max Meen. Dick and Muttley were paired together in various later Hanna-Barbera series as bumbling villains.

"Muttley does not really talk; his main examples of speech are his trademark snicker - a wheezing laugh (usually made at Dick's expense) - and a mushy, sotto voce grumble against an unsympathetic or harsh Dick (usually along the lines of "Sassafrassarassum Rick Rastardly!"). Don Messick had previously used Muttley's distinctive laugh for the character of Griswold in an episode of Top Cat, then an embryonic version of Muttley (called 'Mugger') appearing in the 1964 movie Hey There, It's Yogi Bear, as well as for another Hanna-Barbera canine, Precious Pupp, in 1966. He also reproposed it for Alexandra Cabot's cat Sebastian on Josie and the Pussycats in 1970.

"Muttley wore only a collar in Wacky Races, but in Dastardly and Muttley in Their Flying Machines he donned a World War I style aviator's cap and scarf, and served as a flying ace along with Dastardly and two other pilots as members of the "Vulture Squadron". In this spinoff, he also sported many medals of which he was particularly fond, and constantly demanded new ones from Dastardly for following his commands. Similarly, Dastardly frequently ripped medals off Muttley's chest as punishment for his incompetence. When he received a new medal, Muttley would hug himself happily, jump into the air and float back down like a feather. This gag is almost identical to the behavior of Snuffles - a dog who appeared on the series Quick Draw McGraw in the late 1950s - and Scooby Doo, in the show A Pup Named Scooby Doo, when he received a Scooby Snack.

"Also in Dastardly and Muttley in Their Flying Machines, Muttley gained the ability to fly for a brief period by spinning his tail like a propeller. This trait often proved useful when he was about to crash. Muttley also enjoyed his own short segment in this series The Magnificent Muttley, where he would engage in Walter Mitty-style fantasies.

"Often, when Muttley grumbled on Dastardly and Muttley in their Flying Machines, Dick Dastardly would say "What was THAT?" accompanied by Muttley kissing his hand, to which Dastardly would usually reply "That's better.""

The Ancient Scrolls of Vectron

Guy pointed out that the situation portrayed in this skit is similar to the feeling you get when you start a new job and everyone keeps using acronyms and talking knowledgeably about stuff that just sounds like gobbledy-gook to an outsider (you).

NBC Reporter Swallows Bug

This is silly but it makes me laugh.

It Must Be Viewed

Don't forget to watch!:

Lady Gaga's Larry King Interview Will Air Tuesday June 1

Lady Gaga appeared on Larry King Live on CNN and talked about a number of personal subjects, including being tested borderline positive for lupus and how she still misses Michael Jackson. Her interview will air Tuesday night.

The Little Chocolatiers

I've been meaning to comment on this show for a while:

"The sweet world of Hatch Family Chocolates returns to TLC with the series LITTLE CHOCOLATIERS, following the lives of Steve & Katie Hatch, a married couple who also happen to be little people. With their popular shop in Salt Lake City, the Hatch family tradition of chocolate making continues. From hand-dipped confections to mouth-watering custom creations, the couple and their employees work hard to outdo themselves and keep their customers happy."

Okay, here is my comment. This show has been done. I have already seen it, and it was called Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory. There is no way that some boring couple in Salt Lake City could possibly be more interesting than the Oompa Loompas. Get the hook!

Gem Mania

This is from an English sketch comedy program, The Peter Serafanowicz Show. You may remember him from small parts in Black Books and Shaun of the Dead. I like him because he's really weird and random.

Living Spaces (That Are Larger Than They Appear)

How about it, Science? I think it's about time to make this fictional idea a reality. I couldn't find a description of (I Dream of) Jeannie's bottle online but hers definitely wins in the "small carbon footprint" category, and I definitely recall her bachelorette pad being pretty sweet, albeit small. The TARDIS is the best choice for people who enjoy traveling.

For overall gracious living, however, you really can't beat Snoopy's doghouse. Of course, he adds an element of personal sophistication and panache to his home that you aren't going to find with someone like, say, Oscar the Grouch, who is clearly a hoarder and probably in need of some kind of intervention:

Oscar the Grouch's trash can: "While appearing to be the size of a normal trash can, Oscar's residence is actually larger inside than the exterior would suggest, as evidenced by the fact that Oscar has noted through the years that it boasts such amenities as a farm, swimming pool, bowling alley, and a piano. Other items include Slimey, Oscar's pet worm; Fluffy, Oscar's pet elephant; Oscar's shoes; and a dimension gate to Grouchland, Oscar's homeworld."

The TARDIS: "The TARDIS (Time And Relative Dimension(s) In Space) is a time machine and spacecraft in the British science fiction television programme Doctor Who. A properly maintained and piloted TARDIS can transport its occupants to any point in time and space. The interior of a TARDIS is much larger than its exterior, which can blend in with its surroundings through the ship's "chameleon circuit". In the series, the Doctor pilots an unreliable, obsolete Type 40 TARDIS, whose chameleon circuit is faulty, leaving it locked in the shape of a 1950s-style London police box after a visit to London in 1963.

"The unpredictability of the TARDIS's short-range guidance—short relative to the size of the Universe—has often been a plot point in the Doctor's travels. Although "TARDIS" is a type of craft, rather than a specific one, the Doctor's TARDIS is usually referred to as "the" TARDIS or, in some of the earlier serials, just as "the ship", "the capsule" or even "the police box". Doctor Who has become so much a part of British popular culture that not only has the shape of the police box become more immediately associated with the TARDIS than with its real-world inspiration, the word "TARDIS" has been used to describe anything that seems bigger on the inside than on the outside."

Snoopy's doghouse: "Despite Snoopy's tendency to stay outside in all weather (in some cases even allowing snow to accumulate on his supine body, or wearing a snorkel when it rains), a running gag established that the interior of Snoopy's doghouse was something extraordinary. It defied physics, being dramatically larger on the inside than the outside, with a carpeted foyer, a den, a library, a guest room, a stairway and a basement.

"The interior was decorated with several pricey acquisitions including a painting by Van Gogh, first mentioned on February 29, 1964. After the fire destroyed the Van Gogh, it was replaced by an Andrew Wyeth. At various times the interior of Snoopy's doghouse also held bunk beds, a pool table, a table tennis table, a television, a mural (painted by Linus), a shower, a cedar closet, a grandfather clock, and a whirlpool bath."

Descriptions from www.wikipedia.org.

The Better Marriage Blanket

This is one of the most creative euphemisms I've seen in a while. I love their suggestion that you could give it as an anniversary present.

He's the Greatest Dancer

This song was prominently featured in an episode of RuPaul's Drag Race which I watched last weekend. Actually, it was a marathon of episodes. I had no idea until last weekend how funny RuPaul is! I just always thought he was famous for being very pretty, but he is seriously funny too. His show shamelessly steals elements from both America's Next Top Model and Project Runway. RuPaul is like Tyra's nicer, prettier sister. He uses some great catchphrases too like "Now it's time to lip-synch...for your LIFE!" and "Don't fuck it up!"

A couple of the queens lipsynched for their lives to this song...but I can't remember who won and who was breathlessly told to "Sashay...away!"

"Get Ready for Your Close-up, Joan."