Schadenfreude

Right now you are down and out and feeling really crappy
And when I see how sad you are
It sort of makes me...happy!
Sorry, Nicky, human nature--nothing I can do!
It's...Schadenfreude!
Making me feel glad that I'm not you.

Didja ever clap when a waitress falls and drops a tray of glasses?
And ain't it fun to watch figure skaters falling on their asses?
And dontcha feel all warm and cozy,
Watching people out in the rain?
That's...Schadenfreude!
People taking pleasure in your pain!

Watching a vegetarian being told she just ate chicken.
Or watching a frat boy realize just what he put his dick in.
Being on the elevator when somebody shouts "Hold the door!"
"No!!!" Schadenfreude!
"Fuck you lady, that's what stairs are for!"

Straight-A students getting Bs? Exes getting STDs!
Waking doormen from their naps! Watching tourists reading maps!
Football players getting tackled! CEOs getting shackled!
Watching actors never reach the ending of their Oscar speech!
Schadenfreude!

The world needs people like you and me who've been knocked around by fate.
'Cause when people see us, they don't want to be us,
and that makes them feel great.