1001 Supervillain Quips

I forgot how exhausting it is to start a new job! I have had an intense couple of days. I think I'll get used to it, but the learning curve is kind of taking it out of me right now.

Anyway, in the interest of doing an easy and quick post, here is a cute Mitchell & Webb skit we watched recently. I like the conceit that James Bond and his nemesis both have behind-the-scenes copywriters coming up with their witty one-liners.

The Fat Free Cream Cheese of Doom

It's my second-to-last-day of work--or I should say "work" because, seriously.

The only slightly work-related thing I've done all day is re-label the "Petty Cash" folder so that it now reads "Pretty Cash."

Anyway, it seemed like a good time to finally document the insane hoarding of my former boss by scanning this little item that she's kept in the fridge since 2007. Actually, since before 2007--that's just when it expired. I put it back in the fridge when I was done scanning it.

After that time when I threw away a plastic bottle of water she'd had in there for months (not a new bottle, mind you--a refilled one) because it was getting in the way and because I've never seen her drink water, I found out the hard way to never throw away any of her stuff, not ever, not even when it's expired (as she explained to me) because "it might still be good."

When I protested that I'd never seen her drink water, she said, "I don't. But I always keep cold water on hand, just in case. I do it at home too." When I asked, "Just in case of what?" she said, "In case someone needs cold water."

At which point I said (silently), "Okay, Crazy" and let the baby have her way.

In case you are thinking: Maybe it was your cream cheese and you just forgot about it!, the answer to that is, no it's not because I would never eat "fat free cream cheese" because that's just stupid. Like buying "fat free half & half" (another product my former boss enjoys).

Doodle

This is a picture I drew just now while on the phone with Puget Sound Energy, cancelling my account. The new apartment has an electric oven, not gas like the old place.

Horoscope

My Rob Breszny horoscope this week is extremely apt!

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Congrats, Gemini! You have not only weathered your recent phase of relentless novelty; you've thrived on the adjustments it demanded of you. I am hereby awarding you with the rare and prestigious title of Change-Lover, which I only bestow upon one of the signs of the zodiac every four years or so. So what's next on the schedule? The shock of the new will soon subside, giving you a chance to more fully integrate the fresh approaches you've been adopting. I suggest you relax your hyper-vigilance and slip into a slower, smoother, more reflective groove.

Best Worst Movie

Guy and I saw this documentary last night and it was great! And hilarious. I highly recommend seeing it, but if you possibly can, watch Troll 2 first. (And Troll 2 truly is a strangely watchable bad movie that really delivers.)

We saw this movie at Central Cinemas, which offers food, wine/beer, and table service. And the food was excellent! I had a goat cheese artichoke pizza while Guy had the meat pizza.

Here's the description of the movie from the official website:

"Best Worst Movie is the acclaimed feature length documentary that takes us on an off-beat journey into the undisputed worst movie in cinematic history: Troll 2.

"In 1989, when an Italian filmmaker and unwitting Utah actors shot the ultra-low budget horror film, Troll 2, they had no idea that twenty years later they would be celebrated worldwide for their legendary ineptitude.

"Two decades later, the film’s now-grown-up child star (Michael Paul Stephenson) unravels the improbable, heartfelt story of the Alabama dentist-turned-cult movie icon and the Italian filmmaker who come to terms with this genuine, internationally revered cinematic failure.

"Is Troll 2 really the worst movie ever made as claimed by IMDB and Rotten Tomatoes? Or is Troll 2, as some would claim, a misunderstood masterpiece that never fails to entertain… a work of genius? Twenty years after Troll 2 was made, the feature length documentary BEST WORST MOVIE explores the Troll 2 phenomenon through the personal story of the cast of characters that took part in its creation and why it is celebrated by fans worldwide.

"In the summer of 1989, Italian director Claudio Fragrasso cast small-town dentist Dr. George Hardy and a group of unwitting Utah actors in an ultra-low budget horror film, which eventually became the undisputed Worst Movie in History. Soon after Troll 2’s initial release, Dr. Hardy decided he was better suited battling tooth decay than goblins. He retired from acting and returned to dentistry in his hometown of Alabama unaware of the legions of fans that would one day recognize him as a cult movie luminary.

"Nearly 20 years later, Troll 2 has suddenly become “awfully” popular. A corn-on-the-cob sex scene, pudgy-potato-sack clad midgets, and a peculiar plot about evil vegetarian goblins attempting to transform a young boy’s family into edible plants is unintentionally hilarious, yet strangely captivating and highly entertaining.

"Dr. Hardy finds his days of drilling cavities are met by nights of signing hundreds of autographs at record-setting revival screenings throughout the world. Unlikely byproducts celebrating the BEST WORST MOVIE include fan sites, music videos, dress-up dinner parties and even homage in one of the most successful video games, Sony PlayStation’s Guitar Hero 2.

"But what does the director of Troll 2, Claudio Fragasso, think about his film becoming “awfully” popular? Meet cast & crew and learn how it feels to fail miserably and years later be applauded for it. Best Worst Movie is story of one of cinema’s greatest tragedies… or triumph’s –Troll 2. The result is a hilarious and tender off-beat journey and a genuine homage to lovers of bad movies and the people that create them."

Moving

This is a drawing that Guy did of me today (on a piece of cardboard). We're moving into our new apartment this week.

Spaghetti Dogs

"Not that we have anything against a meal that looks like it was made in the Play-Doh Fun Factory press—we’re just not sure if we would eat it. That said, the creation of this meal is actually not very labor intensive: Simply puncture slices of raw hot dog with uncooked spaghetti noodles and boil."

Find more crazy hot dogs at:

http://www.womansday.com/Articles/Food/10-Off-the-Wall-Hot-Dogs.html

Put That Thing Back Where It Came From!

This is one of my favorite moments from Monsters, Inc.

Muttley

Guy just reminded me of Muttley, the schadenfreude-loving dog from the 70s cartoons. He was so cute, I always liked him. I wanted him to be my dog! He has quite a comprehensive write-up here in Wikipedia:

"Muttley is a Hanna-Barbera animated fictional character created by Iwao Takamoto and originally voiced by Don Messick (who also voiced Scooby-Doo). In the 2000 Wacky Races videogame he was voiced by Billy West. In the Japanese version, Takuzo Kamiyama acted.

"Muttley, a mixed breed dog (identified by the race announcer/narrator in the segment "Dash to Delaware" as a bloodhound, pointer and hunting dog after the Mean Machine had somehow gotten lost), first appeared in Wacky Races in 1968, as the sidekick of a nasty but incompetent and horribly accident-prone villain Dick Dastardly. While Dick was created as the equivalent of Professor Fate from the 1960s movie The Great Race, Muttley mirrored the film's character of Max Meen. Dick and Muttley were paired together in various later Hanna-Barbera series as bumbling villains.

"Muttley does not really talk; his main examples of speech are his trademark snicker - a wheezing laugh (usually made at Dick's expense) - and a mushy, sotto voce grumble against an unsympathetic or harsh Dick (usually along the lines of "Sassafrassarassum Rick Rastardly!"). Don Messick had previously used Muttley's distinctive laugh for the character of Griswold in an episode of Top Cat, then an embryonic version of Muttley (called 'Mugger') appearing in the 1964 movie Hey There, It's Yogi Bear, as well as for another Hanna-Barbera canine, Precious Pupp, in 1966. He also reproposed it for Alexandra Cabot's cat Sebastian on Josie and the Pussycats in 1970.

"Muttley wore only a collar in Wacky Races, but in Dastardly and Muttley in Their Flying Machines he donned a World War I style aviator's cap and scarf, and served as a flying ace along with Dastardly and two other pilots as members of the "Vulture Squadron". In this spinoff, he also sported many medals of which he was particularly fond, and constantly demanded new ones from Dastardly for following his commands. Similarly, Dastardly frequently ripped medals off Muttley's chest as punishment for his incompetence. When he received a new medal, Muttley would hug himself happily, jump into the air and float back down like a feather. This gag is almost identical to the behavior of Snuffles - a dog who appeared on the series Quick Draw McGraw in the late 1950s - and Scooby Doo, in the show A Pup Named Scooby Doo, when he received a Scooby Snack.

"Also in Dastardly and Muttley in Their Flying Machines, Muttley gained the ability to fly for a brief period by spinning his tail like a propeller. This trait often proved useful when he was about to crash. Muttley also enjoyed his own short segment in this series The Magnificent Muttley, where he would engage in Walter Mitty-style fantasies.

"Often, when Muttley grumbled on Dastardly and Muttley in their Flying Machines, Dick Dastardly would say "What was THAT?" accompanied by Muttley kissing his hand, to which Dastardly would usually reply "That's better.""

Air Travel Just Got Glamorous

I really can't think of any girl better suited to grace the side of a jet plane than soaring beauty Dita Von Teese. She's cool, she's larger-than-life, stylish, sexy-yet-classy, and retro in all the right ways. Well done, Sir Branson!

The only way it could be better is if there were a Dita-themed martini lounge (and spiral staircase) inside the plane...with in-flight entertainment provided by Dita herself...but Branson is just a billionaire, not a miracle worker:

"How about hopping in Sir Richard Branson's 747-400 emblazoned with a painting of burlesque star Dita Von Teese?

"Von Teese posed in front of the plane at McCarran International Airport in Las Vegas yesterday as part of an appearance with Branson, who is celebrating his Virgin Atlantic Airway's 10th anniversary of flying between London and Las Vegas. She even tweeted about wing walking in her Louboutins. Later he hoisted her on his shoulder for a photo opp."

Celebrity Sighting

My mom is the queen of celebrity sightings. She has an encyclopedic knowledge of television and movie personalities and she also worked in midtown Manhattan for many years. She would wander around on her lunch hour and see all kinds of people: actors, newscasters, writers, you name it. Also, she was a receptionist at an exclusive private school attended by the kids of many famous people. She has exchanged smiles with Sidney Poitier; cracked a joke that made Rick Moranis chuckle; chatted on the phone with Tracy Ullman. According to her, Dustin Hoffman was "obnoxious" and Tom Cruise "smelled bad and was weird."

Anyway, she was just in NYC on vacation and called me all excited about her latest celebrity sighting--Michael Moore!

See, when she's in Manhattan, she gets to stay in this great apartment that some rich friends of hers own (or maybe rent, I can't remember). These friends travel a lot and have homes in other places, so even if they aren't there, they let her stay in their upscale, centrally-located apartment free of charge. She knew Michael Moore lived in this building too, but she had never seen him until this last visit...when she ran into him in the elevator!

She immediately introduced herself and said she was a big fan and had seen all his movies (which is true) and she said he was really nice, gave her a big smile, and asked her where she was from (she's English). They chatted about London and then when the elevator got to his stop (the penthouse, natch), he said goodbye and thanked her again for her kind words. She was so excited to meet him that she had missed her stop and had to ride the elevator back down to the eighth floor.

Skittles the Tiger

Obviously, a real pet is better. But this does sound majorly cute!:

Microsoft game lets kids tickle tigers

(CNN) -- Microsoft on Monday unveiled the first games for its remote-control-free video game system, Kinect for Xbox 360. Several of the titles were pretty generic: a dancing game, a race car game, an adventure game and a fitness game.

And then there was "Kinectimals."

A demo of this bizarre but cuddly game showed a little girl tickling and playing with "Skittles," a virtual tiger cub. She threw sticks for the tiger to fetch and called it to the screen, where it licked the television and wagged its tail for her.

"Come here Skittles!" she called to her virtual friend.

The game features 40 wild animals and 30 types of interactions, according to Microsoft. Kids just wave their hands and talk to the TV to interact with these virtual pets. Microsoft Kinect, an add-on for the Xbox 360 that goes on sale on November 4, has a camera that watches their movements and a microphone to listen to their voices.

Here's how Microsoft describes the game in a news release:

"A wide-eyed Bengal Tiger cub cocks its head to the side and playfully peers at you. Memories of your first trip to the zoo come rushing back. 'Kinectimals' invites children, their parents and animal lovers of all ages to build lasting friendships with some of the world's most exotic creatures.

"Just like real pets, your 'Kinectimals' will come running when they hear your voice, respond to commands like 'jump,' 'roll-over' and 'play dead,' and purr with joy when you scratch them behind the ears."

Get Him to the Greek

One celebrity that I've had very little use for over the years is Sean Combs, aka Sean John, aka Puff Daddy, aka P. Diddy. I always thought of him as a no-talent poseur, and I never really understood why he was famous--his average looks? His sucky music? His overpriced clothes? His bad relationships with women? He just seemed to exert some kind of weird influence over people that I couldn't understand. In addition to his general popularity, he's also very popular with celebrities. I remember thinking, "Maybe he just throws really good parties??"

So I am surprised to report that Sean Combs is possibly the funniest actor in this very funny movie! He has a fairly big part too--it's much more than just a cameo.

Russell Brand and Jonah Hill are both very funny too. Despite the fact that Russell Brand's character is a self-centered, self-destructive, manipulative junkie, he also radiates a sweet childlike charm that makes you root for him anyway. Jonah Hill plays the only sane person in an increasingly insane situation. And Sean Combs plays a megalomaniacal record company executive who is the worst boss ever. It's worth seeing in the theater if you get a chance.

Evil Genes

This is the book I'm reading right now, and I recommend it. The author is insanely smart and a very good writer. She's good at explaining science in a way that non-science-y people (like me) can understand. She also writes about her own family and historical figures and all kinds of interesting stuff.

From the title, I was afraid her writing style might be too cutesy, but it's not at all. It's entertaining and readable, but also substantive.

From Publishers Weekly:

"Borne out of a quest to understand her sister Carolyn's lifelong sinister behavior (which, systems engineer Barbara Oakley suggests, may have been compounded by childhood polio), the author sets out on an exploration of evil, or Machiavellian, individuals. Drawing on the advances in brain imaging that have illuminated the relationship of emotions, genetics and the brain (with accompanying imaging scans), Oakley collects detailed case histories of famed evil geniuses such as Slobodan Milosevic and Mao Zedong, interspersed with a memoir of Carolyn's life. Oakley posits that they all had borderline personality disorder or antisocial personality disorder, a claim she supports with evidence from scientists' genetic and neurological research. All the people she considers, Oakley notes, are charming on the surface but capable of deeply malign behavior (traits similar to those found in some personality disorders), and her analysis attributes these traits to narcissism combined with cognitive and emotional disturbances that lead them to believe they are behaving in a genuinely altruistic way. Disturbing, for sure, but with her own personal story informing her study, Oakley offers an accessible account of a group of psychiatric disorders and those affected by them."

The Ancient Scrolls of Vectron

Guy pointed out that the situation portrayed in this skit is similar to the feeling you get when you start a new job and everyone keeps using acronyms and talking knowledgeably about stuff that just sounds like gobbledy-gook to an outsider (you).

Happy Aloha Friday!

It's a little insane that people can actually do this. Imagine how steep the learning curve must have been for the people who invented surfing! But, having learned it, I imagine it must be incredibly, ridiculously fun.

Beebo's Big Day

I got a new job!!

I have had this song going through my head for days...but today is the first day I feel like I have actually earned it.

Blago Spazzing Out In Courtroom

This is the kind of story that really makes you wish you could be there. (The photo at left represents my casting suggestion for the Lifetime movie.):

Judge to Blagojevich: Stop gesturing at trial

CHICAGO – A federal judge is warning former Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich to sit still and control his emotions during his corruption trial.

Prosecutors complained Thursday that Blagojevich made gestures and comments the day before during testimony by his former chief of staff, Alonzo Monk — and that several jurors clearly took notice.

Monk testified that he, Blagojevich and two others allegedly concocted a scheme to make money illegally.

Judge James Zagel admonished Blagojevich to avoid making any facial or other expressions during the trial.

Blagojevich has pleaded not guilty to scheming to profit from his power to fill the U.S. Senate seat vacated by President Barack Obama and squeezing people for campaign contributions.

Homeopathic A&E

This is a hilarious skit from season three of That Mitchell and Webb Look. If you're familiar with homeopathic medicine, it's funnier. Guy wasn't as familiar as I am with that stuff, so I explained to him about how homeopathic medicine is usually like a tiny drop of essence in a big container of water. He was glad I explained that because there are a few jokes related to that idea in the skit.

Monster High

This new line of dolls sounds very enticing!

I have a weakness for "cute monsters." This is a fairly new product launch; there aren't too many photos of the dolls online. Yet.

Here is the amusingly cold-blooded marketing pitch from Mattel:

"Mattel has unveiled a new franchise targeting tween and teen girls called Monster High. The new franchise brings together the hip teenage descendants of the world’s most famous monsters to brave the trials and tribulations of high school. The property delivers rich content and relatable storytelling via publishing, Web, animation and live-action theatrical entertainment and launches consumer products in notable categories including apparel and accessories, and toys.

"Grounded in a fun and humorous storyline, the frighteningly fashionable students at Monster High capture all the awkward moments that teens experience in their high school years, the powerful bonds of friendship and the challenges of fitting in – all delivered through a “monster” chic aesthetic and tone.

"Monster High reaches girls via a line-up of all-star products and partnerships enabling teens and tweens to discover the brand in their own way and engage with the Monster High characters and storyline through multiple points of entry."

Happy Birthday, Guy!

First Al and Tipper...

...Now this:

Heidi Montag Files For Legal Separation From Husband Spencer Pratt
Tue Jun 8, 12:31 PM PDT

Heidi Montag has filed papers to officially separate from husband Spencer Pratt.

The reality star filed for a legal separation from her husband of just over a year, on Tuesday, according to court papers obtained by Access Hollywood.

Montag filed the papers in Los Angeles Superior Court, citing irreconcilable differences as the reason for the split.

Pratt has 30 days to file a response (from when he is served) to Montag's petition for separation.

Interestingly, just a few days ago, Montag appeared to engage in a Twitter battle with her estranged husband,

"I can't believe Heidi hacked into my Twitter and made you think I like the Shannon Twins. Those bad influences are Heidi's friends, not mine," he Tweeted.

Montag replied with: "@spencerpratt - Get over it! @karissashannon1 & @Kristinashn1 are way cooler than you are!"

The filing comes just days after Montag reportedly moved out of the home she shared with her husband, whom she married in an elaborate Pasadena church wedding, taped for "The Hills" in April 2009.

"Heidi appreciates all the support and concern, we hope everyone will respect their privacy during this difficult time," Heidi's rep previously told AccessHollywood.com following initial reports of the couple's split.

Montag is now reportedly living in Malibu with her friend, Jennifer Bunney. The two are reportedly filming their time as housemates for an upcoming reality show.

You're Welcome

You may or may not have already heard the good news, bad news about the movie The Hobbit. The good news is, it is definitely being produced! The bad news? Peter Jackson does not want to direct.

I can't really blame him. He is probably incredibly sick of the hobbits by this point. He doesn't even resemble one anymore, ever since he lost weight. (He looks really different! I was surprised when I saw a recent photo of him.)

Anyway, who will direct the next installment of the LOTR saga?

Two words: Leonard Nimoy. Not only is he an experienced director, but Leonard would also be great in the role of Gandalf, since he is now incredibly old. Also, I recommend that this song be featured prominently throughout the entire film.

You're welcome, Hollywood!

NBC Reporter Swallows Bug

This is silly but it makes me laugh.

Biggest Dork In the World Marrying Lucky Lady #4

I'm sure that this time, it'll be awesome!! I'm glad you finally met the right girl. Good luck, El Dorko!:

Will the fourth time be the charm for Rush Limbaugh?

Limbaugh, 59, is set to marry 33-year-old girlfriend Kathryn Rogers on Saturday at the talk radio star's palatial Florida beachfront property.

Although Limbaugh never seems at a loss for words, he's been uncharacteristically quiet about the pending nuptials. Fill-in hosts have taken over the show, with his website simply noting that "El Rushbo will be out until Tuesday, June 15th."

Once Again, Bill Clinton Proves He Is Awesome

One can only imagine how incredibly psyched Laura must have been to suddenly see Bill Clinton's face after five months in a North Korean prison. So it makes sense she'd name her kid after him. I'm just a tiny bit disappointed that it's "Jefferson" and not "Clintonia" or "Billie" or "Clint."

Sidenote: A different article (on the same subject) had this weird headline: Laura Ling names new baby for her sister, Bill Clinton. I understand what the writer meant--and I know that using commas in that way is standard procedure for headline writing--but in this case, the oddly placed comma unfortunately seems to assert that Laura Ling's sister is Bill Clinton.

Anyway, getting back to Bubba's awesomeness:

Reporter Laura Ling names baby after Bill Clinton

Nearly a year after the former president negotiated the release of two Current TV reporters in North Korea, one of them, Laura Ling, has honored Clinton by naming her new baby after him.

According to People's Cynthia Wang, Ling gave birth to a girl, Li Jefferson Clayton, on Wednesday night in Burbank, Calif. (The father is Ling's husband, financial analyst Iain Clayton.) The baby's first name, Li, is a nod to Ling's sister Lisa, a former co-host of "The View," and Jefferson is Clinton's middle name.

Ling, along with her colleague Euna Lee, was detained for five months last year after the North Korean military arrested them as they were reporting along the country's border with China. Accused of spying and illegally crossing the border, the women were sentenced to 12 years of hard labor in a government detention camp, but last August, Clinton negotiated their release.

Ling is still tight with the former prez, telling People that Clinton had followed up with her. "He has checked in on me several times to see how I'm doing and has been so concerned and caring, " Ling said. "He's such a wonderful human being."

Wino Dating Someone Normal

...at least he appears normal. Which in itself is already a huge improvement for Amy. Good going, Ames! From the Daily Mail:

Revealed, the clean cut new boyfriend who may tame Amy Winehouse

By Simon CableLast June 2010

Aside from the jaunty pork pie hat, Reg Traviss would seem to share the same sense of style as Amy Winehouse's previous beau.

The key difference is that the singer's new boyfriend is the kind of chap her father would happily welcome into the home.

His daughter's former heroin-addict husband Blake Fielder-Civil, on the other hand, would more likely feel a foot in his rear.

Winehouse's turbulent love life has driven her father Mitch to distraction in the past. But yesterday he announced to his delight that she has found a ' normal bloke' in film director Reg Traviss, 33. The pair stepped out together in Central London on Monday night, with 26-year-old Winehouse on her best behaviour. They enjoyed a low-key dinner at a restaurant before moving on to a pub and finally a friend's party - all of which passed without incident.

Traviss is the antithesis of the tattooed Fielder-Civil, whom Winehouse married in 2007. They divorced last year, but rekindled their relationship just weeks later. Fielder-Civil, who was jailed for a brutal assault, was blamed by Winehouse's father for his daughter's drug and alcohol addictions. They finally split in April after she said she no longer wanted him to move home with her.

The singer was introduced to Traviss through a mutual friend and he owns a house just minutes away from her new home in Marylebone. With his hair gelled back and wearing a smart suit and tie, Traviss appeared to have modelled himself on a character from hit U.S. TV show Mad Men.

Traviss directed the 2006 film Joy Division, about a German teenager in the Second World War. A friend said: 'Traviss has a promising career and is much more mature than Blake.' Mr Winehouse added his approval last night when he told Scottish TV programme, The Hour, that he had already met Traviss.

He said: 'I'm happy she's moving on with her life. He's a normal bloke, very nice.'

It Must Be Viewed

Don't forget to watch!:

Lady Gaga's Larry King Interview Will Air Tuesday June 1

Lady Gaga appeared on Larry King Live on CNN and talked about a number of personal subjects, including being tested borderline positive for lupus and how she still misses Michael Jackson. Her interview will air Tuesday night.