Just to get them out of the way, here is our protagonist Luke, the dull but mildly attractive former football player:
And here is Heather, notable mainly for the fact that she is obviously going to win, like, it's not even close:
Moving on to more interesting contestants, my personal favorite was Bonnie, the make-up artist from Portland. Unfortunately, Luke dumped her fairly early on. She was too cool for him, clearly!
Bonnie endeared herself to me right away by confidently declaring, "The way to a man's heart is through his stomach...and his pants. But first, his stomach." Hee!
She also displayed some creativity and drawing ability when she presented Luke with a little cartoon portrait she sketched of him. He was not sufficiently impressed by this (again: not cool enough for her) and that was the end of Bonnie.
Good luck, Bonnie! You can do better!
And then we have Lauren. Another favorite of mine, but for different reasons, Lauren is awesome for being a hardened, trashy redneck with a giant ugly tattoo on her right boob.
While Lauren appeared to have little interest in Luke per se, she did seem very invested in the show in terms of sheer competitiveness and a love of fighting dirty (i.e. creating drama and badmouthing the other girls whenever possible). Lauren was always strangely eager to portray marriage as a completely joyless enterprise characterized mostly by "hard work" (which, come to think of it, sounds like a frighteningly accurate prediction in her case).
This culminated in Lauren completely winning me over last episode when she called Heather a freak because "she's tryin' to get Luke's heart with affection." Good for you, Lauren, for heroically exposing Heather's underhanded scheme! Keep it real!
Sadly for us, the viewers, Luke "had to let Lauren go" the last episode (read: the producers eventually took pity on him and allowed him to shitcan her, after clearly forcing him to keep her on the show against his will for several weeks due to her entertainment value and ability to create drama).
Don't worry, Lauren! I'm certain that you will someday soon find yourself in a marriage filled with all the hard work, drudgery, and lack of affection which you so ardently crave!
Last but not least, we have Danielle. Sadly, also already out of the competition. The best thing about Danielle wasn't her terrible personality and the fact that she never stopped talking...
No, the best thing about Danielle was that she looked...like Ting Tong.
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