A grasshopper hops into a bar. The bartender says, "You're quite a celebrity around here. We've even got a drink named after you." The grasshopper says, "You've got a drink named Steve?"
A guy walks into a bar. He says to the bartender, "Can I have a bag of helicopter flavored chips?" The barkeep says, "Sorry, we only have plain."
A guy walks into a bar with a newt on his shoulder. "What do you call that?", asks the bartender. "I call him Tiny, because he's my newt!"
Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini. The bartender asks, "Olive or twist?"
A man runs into a bar and asks the barkeep, "Give me ten shots of your best whisky." The bartender sets up the ten glasses. The man starts drinking them as quickly as the bartender serves them. The bartender asks, "Why are you drinking so fast?" "You'd drink fast too, if you had what I have." The bartender asks, "What do you have?" "Seventy cents."
A neutron walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender sets the beer down and says, "For you, no charge!"
A Helvetica font walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve your type here!"
A termite walks into a bar and asks, "Is the bartender here?"
A guy walks into a bar, sits down and hears a small voice say, "You look nice today." A few minutes later he again hears a small voice, "That's a nice shirt." The guy asks the bartender, "Who is that?" The bartender says, "Those are the peanuts. They're complimentary!"