Saturday, November 21, 2009

The Beatings Will Continue Until Morale Improves

I'm lucky enough to work in a really healthy office environment, with a boss who is communicative, mature, logical, and just an all-around great gal. I would not like to strangle her until her eyes bleed, so this illustration is in no way relevant to my personal experience.

However, if you (unlike me) happen to have an ogre-like disgusting excuse for a human being for a boss, someone with the emotional maturity of a 3-year-old who possesses absolutely no social skills, and who sows negativity and hate wherever she goes...then you might appreciate the following list.

Apropos of nothing, my thoughts turned to sabotage yesterday, and I recalled this little list that I thought would be fun to post here. It's from issue 11 of Temp Slave, a zine I bought back in the 90s, published by Garrret County Press in Madison, WI.

This fun little article is by a contributor named "John C." and it's entitled 23 Ways. Some of the suggestions may no longer be relevant, since computers have changed a lot since the 90s. The suggestions are intended for revenge-minded temps, on their way out the door:

23 Ways
Computer vandalism just for the fun of it. The next time you run into a hell office temp job, here are 23 ways to add a little chaos to your surroundings.

1. Add common misspellings to spell check. This way the bad spellings won't be corrected in the future.

2. If using a word processor with autocorrect; create embarrassing autocorrect words--six to sex, luck to fuck, etc. Every time the next poor sap types the incorrect word, it will change on them.

3. Make the default printer a printer in another building--set the default page, set up to landscape, margins of about 4 inches.

4. Set up the desktop display so all the colors are black. This one can be a real hassle to troubleshoot.

5. Change the existing templates so they have the wrong address info on them.

6. in the web browser, change the URL on bookmarks.

7. Download porno to directories that hold clip art, delete all other clip art.

8. If 2 computers are next to each other, switch the cables so the keyboard controls what happens on the wrong computer.

9. Switch the mouse to left-handed mode, but leave it on the right side of the computer.

10. Change the hard drive's name to something stupid.

11. Add annoying sounds to every desktop function that you can.

12. Change pointers for desktop icons, so the Microsoft Excel icon opens solitaire, etc.

13. You stuck in a clip art folder. A malicious version of this would be to make the desktop icon point to a batch program that reformats the computer's hard drive.

14. Set default fonts to Wingdings everywhere you can.

15. Most web browsers have a setting for how much hard drive space the cache is allowed to take up, change this setting to 99%. The hard drive will fill up completely with useless info.

16. Send obnoxious spam out using the company email account--change the reply address to someone you don't like.

17. Company vehicles--always turn the radio on full blast, the heater on full blast, the windshield wipers on, and one of the blinkers on after you turn off the vehicle.

18. If the computer has a scheduler, schedule obnoxious pop up messages to appear months in the future.

19. Unplug random cables in the office.

20. On the phone, reprogram autodial numbers to inappropriate places.

21. Change the data type for fields in spreadsheet templates, change the number formats for fields with large numbers to take out commas, double the font size.

22. Stick chewing gum under as many desks as possible, right where people's knees are most likely to come in contact with it later.

23. Take apart the phones, printers, whatever will come apart, and stick some raw shrimp inside on your last day.

Drawing by Guy. I asked him to draw an illustration of a loving employee grasping her boss in a warm hug, in a moment of caring support and appreciation. I don't know why it came out like this; as so often happens in offices, there must have been some kind of "miscommunication."

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